A decision made, I think!

So I'm sitting here at DD's place at 11:00 at night, cursing the cup of coffee that my soon-to-be SIL brought for me this afternoon...while I'm certain that he ordered what I requested (mostly decaf with cream), it came black. And based on how I feel right now, am pretty sure it was fully caffeinated. A pox on you, Evil Green & Black Coffee Empire!

Oh well, what else are Advil PM's for anyhow?

The good thing is that this is the first time I've had in a couple of days to be alone and think through the decision that it looks like I've made...to go back to grad school and finish the program. Or at least try.

Last spring, I woke up one Saturday and concluded that I had to stop, I had to finish the end of the semester and then get off the train. Sometimes I think we are going on a path and it feels uncomfortable or weird or just plain wrong, but we think that if we just give it a bit more time, if we just work a bit harder, if we just think "positive, happy thoughts" then it will all turn out OK. But I woke up that day and realized that staying on the wrong road longer does not make it right, it just means you're farther down the wrong path. If that makes any sense at all.

So I decided to get off and reevaluate which road I was on, and why I was on it. My professors advised against it, urged me to go ahead and take the qualifying exam and then take some time off. But I just couldn't make myself do it.

Then I took another course, not in my major but just as "professional development," and did an internship-type project. And thought, and thought some more, and tried to gain clarity about returning to the program.

Over our trip to Canada and our son's wedding, I began to seee that what I really did want to do was to focus on a slightly different area of study but go ahead and finish the Ph.D. My sweetie listened to me disentangle all the threads of the argument, and agreed that if I could focus on this topic, it might be worth doing.

So last week, I met my mentor/prof for lunch and told him what I was thinking. I asked him about the general topic idea, and to my amazement he agreed that it was not only doable, but potentially a very good idea! And that the professional support I would need will likely be available. Then I contacted two former profs about sitting in on their classes this spring, as refreshers for the exam, and both of them said yes! And even my mother, who I expected to be fairly unenthusiastic about the prospect of me returning to the program, was both positive and accepting. All together, more than I could have hoped for!

The only one who is not enthusiastic is DD, which is understandable given a likely wedding in the foreseeable future. So I know that I have to be sure and not get so overwhelmed that I can't be there for her and this time in her life.

I'm still scared to death about the prospect of taking the exam, and if I don't pass it then it will be clear that this was not God's plan for my life after all. There are no guarantees. But all I can do is study and try my best.

But the bottom line is that I really, really, really want this. Can't say why, or identify what job could result, or anything else. Just that since I was about 9 years old (the age of my sweet granddaughter, as a matter of fact!), I have dreamed of having those letters after my name. And regardless of how unqualified I feel, or how hard it is, or how costly it will be, I need to give it my best shot. And although I do not know why, I feel peace about that.

So we'll see.