It seemed like a good idea at the time...

This is one of those days when I think, am I freakin' crazy for doing all this all at once??? Answer--probably. Although as usual, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I'm an opportunist. I admit it. An opportunity presents itself, I think about it for all of about 5 seconds, it seems like it could work, and I pounce on it, typically not thinking through all the possible (probable?) unintended consequences. And then I find myself with a giant knot of string, with impossible deadlines and commitments that end up making me absolutely nuts!

And yes, I've done it again. Signed up for a demanding class (and a half), two audit classes, and preparing for this impossible qualifying exam in the spring. Oh, and did I forget the new job that is part-time in name (and pay) only?

All week I've been preparing for a two-day training session as part of the new job. Which was supposed to be "research assistant" but has morphed into "local study coordinator," another term for general on-site chief cook and bottle washer.

The principal investigator and program director were coming down from Chicago to train new recruiters, and I was in charge of doing all the food & logistics as well as presenting my own training component. And then come to find out that they are expecting me to manage all these people, as well as help them practice their delivery, assist them in passing an on-line certification course, and schedule them for clinic appointments to recruit participants. (No, I did not know all this ahead of time.) This doesn't count the work that will come when participants are signed up, collecting and managing the data. And all this on "20" hours a week. Which, again, seemed like a good idea at the time.

Ordinarily, I would find it enjoyable to actually be able to work in my field, but I keep thinking of all the chapters I haven't read, the regression problems I haven't done, and worse, the team project I have not contributed to. Oh, and lest I forget the really important things, the grandbabies I haven't seen and the husband I haven't paid enough attention to.

There are moments, when everything is happening and I am managing it all and it's all working, that I feel like Superwoman--I can do it!!! All!!! Right now!!!

But that's an illusion. I am not Superwoman, despite rumors to the contrary. Not now, not ever.

But I am tired. And I need wisdom.

What a treasure!

Are our friends, that is. Over the last few years, what with being in school and busier than a one-armed paper hanger, my girlfriendships have dwindled in size and frequency, much to my regret.

I know it's not all my fault--since all our kids have grown and moved out, many of us in this weird age between full-time motherhood and retirement seem to have found an unexpected burst of energy and are working more, going back to school, volunteering, and doing many of the things we never thought of when we were raising kids. And it's fun, sometimes, and fulfilling, and a whole bunch of good things. Except that it makes it very difficult to nurture those precious girlfriend relationships that make us feel, well, normal!

We had an ice day today, and even though the ice was pretty much gone by noon, the powers-that-be had already closed the schools. And it occurred to me this afternoon that maybe Tracie, one of my favorite schoolteacher friends, might be off as well. Sure enough, we were able to spend a precious half-hour catching up on each other's lives and making a date to get together for fajitas this weekend. Which was not as easy as it sounds...Day jobs, plus I've got class Monday and Wednesday, she's got class Tuesday and Thursday, our small group meets on Saturday and hers on Sunday...then throw in helping out with our sweet grandbabies from time to time--it just doesn't leave much space for those wonderful, catch-up on each others' husbands/kids/grandkids/"ohmigosh can you believe what they did this time?" moments!

I'm sure we could all promise to be less busy and get together more, but the reality is that for right now I'm just going to have to enjoy the moments when they come around and be thankful for these dear women and the relationships we have, even if right now they're not as frequent as any of us would like. And know that when this season passes, things may change yet again, and that's OK too.

Techno-stupid

I am a college student. Have been in school for going on 9 years, starting with community college and now in grad school. Have experienced a measure of approval and validation from being a college student. Let's face it, I'm good at it. Not so much like being a mom, especially to teenagers, where my one hope was that I could get them to adulthood without them becoming axe-murderers. They both have reached the age where their insurance premiums have decreased, and as far as I know neither of them have bludgeoned anyone to death with sharp or blunt instruments.

But I digress. Normally in my life I feel fairly intelligent--I can discuss politics fairly fluently, can read (and sometimes understand) regression models in soc. journals, and even know enough to always refer to Snopes.com whenever someone sends me some scary e-mail about psychopaths waiting in the parking lot at Wal-Mart.

But the modern computer world? Now, that's a sure-fire way to make me feel as stupid as poor old Crystal-the-kitty, may her furry little soul rest in peace.

So Hotmail just ate another really important e-mail before I could save it, and I'm fed.up.to.here. My kids have convinced me to switch over to gmail--they swear it's wonderful--but what a hassle! I've got years worth of folders and messages that I can't move over easily, if at all, not to mention getting address books changed all over the place.

So my Beloved-Geek was trying to get me onto Outlook or something, and talking about Exchange and servers and POPs and who the heck knows what else? And I'm looking at all these options and thinking, can't we just keep this simple??? Is that really too much to ask?

Sigh. I hate computers, I really do. Except when they work. And when they make my life work. Which is most of the time. But right now I'd like to take a baseball bat to the GD thing, because they make me feel really, really dumb, and that is not a place I like to be.

A decision made, I think!

So I'm sitting here at DD's place at 11:00 at night, cursing the cup of coffee that my soon-to-be SIL brought for me this afternoon...while I'm certain that he ordered what I requested (mostly decaf with cream), it came black. And based on how I feel right now, am pretty sure it was fully caffeinated. A pox on you, Evil Green & Black Coffee Empire!

Oh well, what else are Advil PM's for anyhow?

The good thing is that this is the first time I've had in a couple of days to be alone and think through the decision that it looks like I've made...to go back to grad school and finish the program. Or at least try.

Last spring, I woke up one Saturday and concluded that I had to stop, I had to finish the end of the semester and then get off the train. Sometimes I think we are going on a path and it feels uncomfortable or weird or just plain wrong, but we think that if we just give it a bit more time, if we just work a bit harder, if we just think "positive, happy thoughts" then it will all turn out OK. But I woke up that day and realized that staying on the wrong road longer does not make it right, it just means you're farther down the wrong path. If that makes any sense at all.

So I decided to get off and reevaluate which road I was on, and why I was on it. My professors advised against it, urged me to go ahead and take the qualifying exam and then take some time off. But I just couldn't make myself do it.

Then I took another course, not in my major but just as "professional development," and did an internship-type project. And thought, and thought some more, and tried to gain clarity about returning to the program.

Over our trip to Canada and our son's wedding, I began to seee that what I really did want to do was to focus on a slightly different area of study but go ahead and finish the Ph.D. My sweetie listened to me disentangle all the threads of the argument, and agreed that if I could focus on this topic, it might be worth doing.

So last week, I met my mentor/prof for lunch and told him what I was thinking. I asked him about the general topic idea, and to my amazement he agreed that it was not only doable, but potentially a very good idea! And that the professional support I would need will likely be available. Then I contacted two former profs about sitting in on their classes this spring, as refreshers for the exam, and both of them said yes! And even my mother, who I expected to be fairly unenthusiastic about the prospect of me returning to the program, was both positive and accepting. All together, more than I could have hoped for!

The only one who is not enthusiastic is DD, which is understandable given a likely wedding in the foreseeable future. So I know that I have to be sure and not get so overwhelmed that I can't be there for her and this time in her life.

I'm still scared to death about the prospect of taking the exam, and if I don't pass it then it will be clear that this was not God's plan for my life after all. There are no guarantees. But all I can do is study and try my best.

But the bottom line is that I really, really, really want this. Can't say why, or identify what job could result, or anything else. Just that since I was about 9 years old (the age of my sweet granddaughter, as a matter of fact!), I have dreamed of having those letters after my name. And regardless of how unqualified I feel, or how hard it is, or how costly it will be, I need to give it my best shot. And although I do not know why, I feel peace about that.

So we'll see.

Time for Health

I just finished putting together a pot of my favorite vegetable soup. It is soooo good--even people who aren't veg soup fans seem to like it! I got the recipe from Weight Watchers some years ago, but since the original was rather bland, I added some things to spice it up and give it more flavor, and boy does it! It makes a ton of soup, seems like it lasts forever, and is both economical and tasty.

But the main thing about this vegetable soup is that whenever I make it, I seem to re-set my attitude towards healthful behavior. Which is exactly what I need at this time of year. It's time to be finished with the excesses of the holidays--chips & dips, rich desserts, cheesy casseroles--all the things that I do so love but that do NOT love me back! I can feel my clothes getting snug and the scale inching upwards, and I know that it's time.

Time to get back to Weight Watchers and the "paid accountability" that it gives me. Time to start pushing more at the gym and maybe take advantage of the pleasant weather to walk a bit more. Time to write out menus and become a little more focused on "fresh" at the grocery store and less on "quick."

It's funny, I've always heard people say (and even said myself), "There's a skinny girl inside me just waiting to get out." Well, I've learned (the hard way) that there is a fat chick on the outside who can't wait to get back inside me--and I'm determined to keep the door locked!

But as much as I want to get (and keep!) the weight off, what I really want is to keep focused on health. With a family history of diabetes and heart disease, the only way to fight those battles is to eat right, exercise, and keep my weight under control. And when I see my mom having to test her blood and give herself insulin shots every day, the importance of this goal becomes more evident.

Well, that and the fact that I really, really don't want to buy clothes with X's and W's on them anymore! OK, so I am vain. Could be worse.

Not much, but it's a start

Having been challenged to give blogging a try, I am about ready to stick my big fat callused (but very nicely painted) toe into the blogging pond and hope that it does not get snapped off by an alligator!

So, what does one say on a blog? Any damn thing you want, I'm told, as long as it's not illegal, immoral, or fattening (and only the last one is really forbidden, I think).

Following good journalistic principles, then, I suppose I should start with the basics: who-what-when-where-why.

• Who? On the cusp of my 5th decade, I play several roles: wife to a wonderful man, daughter, mother of two grown children and stepmom to three more, and Mimi to four adorable grandchildren. Also, I am a part-time graduate student studying sociology, public policy, and political economy.


• What? I think I want to use this blog to make sense of my life...ponderings on the world I live in--relationships, school, work, whatever.


• When? I can't guarantee that I'll write every day, but I'll try to be consistent at least.


• Where? I live in a mostly affluent, aging suburb of Dallas. Lots of socioeconomic contradictions here!


• Why? For more than eight years I have been in school, first at community college, then on to the university, and finally to graduate school. Nonstop, every semester. Even summers, mostly. And I've realized that in the process I've lost a piece of myself...my heart, my love for people, for my family, and even for my God, has gradually gotten a little colder, hardened by the passionate pursuit of knowledge, achievement, and grades. This is a sad situation that I want to change! Also, I've always enjoyed writing, but the requirement to produce academic papers has snuffed out the pleasure I once found in playing with words. I want to regain that piece of my life, and in the process, hopefully exchange that "heart of stone" for a "heart of flesh," as it says in Ezekiel 36:26.

So I guess that's a start. Who knows where it will go from here? I don't know, but I am going to keep my eyes open for alligators!